


And That's Okay

by PrettyWhizzer (NargleAdvocate)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A lot of waving through a window references, A lot of weird tree descriptions, Angst, Anxiety, Evan kinda regrets and kinda doesn't, Hurt/Comfort, I need to learn how to better characterize Jared tbh, Jared cares a lot, Jared yells at Evan but it's nice yelling???, Panic Attacks, Poor Evan he just needs reassurance, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, This is a vent fic lol, both of these chapters are super short sorry, kleinsen if you squint a bit lol, this is definitely been done before but like i said it's a vent fic, this is short I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 01:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11544981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NargleAdvocate/pseuds/PrettyWhizzer
Summary: When you're falling in a forest for the second time, and there's nobody around, do you ever really crash, or do you break an arm again?Evan was hoping for a crash.





	1. Chapter 1

Evan stared up at the sky, at the pinks and the oranges that signaled the sun was setting. It was so bright and stunning. It reminded him that the world was still spinning, and it will always keep spinning, because it's the earth. It was almost peaceful, looking up at that sky, and it was almost like a sign. He'd been getting a lot of those recently.

_Dear Evan Hansen_

He ran his hand across the bark of a tree. A swelling feeling in his chest arose and it was almost like a sign. He enjoyed the feeling of the bark scrapping against his skin, the reason his hands were so calloused after so many years of climbing. He remembered the first time he climbed a tree, so young, with his mom and dad by his side, when they were having a picnic. His hands shook a little. 

_Today's going to be an amazing day_

Reaching a hand up, Evan gripped a branch and pulled himself up, hanging in the air for a few seconds before finding the familiar foothold. He continued climbing up the tree, not taking any breaks for breath until he got to the top. He felt a bit dizzy, but he decided that was okay. Everything was going to be alright.

_And here's why:_

At the very top, Evan sat down on a branch and looked out at the stretch of trees in the park. He could vaguely see houses, the richer neighborhood, and he could feel his heart constrict. It was where the Murphy's lived. Where Zoe lived. Where Connor lived. And if he was able to see any farther, he would be able to see where Jared and Alana lived too. He let out a shaky laugh. There were so many people he had decided to fuck over. He was back to being the loser he had always been. 

_It's your last one!_

Evan kicked his legs and took deep breaths, trying to keep a panic attack from arriving. This was going to be a peaceful affair, like last time, except it wouldn't end with just a broken arm. He could feel the blood pumping through him, adrenaline too, and he knew he was ready for this. It was a long time coming. 

_A long time ago, you asked if anyone would notice if you disappeared._

Jared had talked to him for the first time in months. Well, talked was a relative word, it was more like screamed. He had just gone up to apologize, and... Well, Evan had been crying in the school bathroom after that. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting when he approached Jared, but a part of him hoped for a bit of kindness? He knew it was stupid, that Jared had no reason to show him kindness, that Evan had destroyed any chance of being something more than family friends ages ago, but Evan was the epitome of shitty decisions, so he might as well have added one more on!

_After everything you've done, the answer is no. No one would notice, or care. And that's okay! You deserve to be forgotten after everything you did!_

Evan glanced down at the ground and drew in a loud breath. It was a lot farther down than he remembered. That was probably a good thing. And there weren't as many branches to slow his fall as last time, cause he knocked all of them off, and that was a good thing. Even more signs that this was the right thing to do. 

_I hope you get to say sorry to Connor. You kinda used him, a lot, and that was really shitty of you. Hopefully this time your hands don't get sweaty, and you don't start shaking! But I guess that's too much to ask._

Evan closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He'd miss his mom, a lot. But this was for her own good, so she wouldn't have to work so much. She never said it out loud, but he knew he was a burden. She was lying when she said he was the best part of her life, he knew that now.

_If I could get the words out, I'd tell everyone I'm sorry for exploiting things like that. It just ruined a lot of good things, huh? I mean, I never had very many good things to begin with, but it was more than I have now? And it's all my fault, so, yeah._

He hadn't been able to approach Zoe (or any of the Murpheys for that matter) since the day all of it came out. He hadn't been able to forget the shock on their faces, the betrayal. He'd seen so much of it already, that it was hard to miss. Every time he passed their house on the walk home, he froze up and begged to the sky that no one would walk outside and see him. No one ever did, but it plagued his mind every time.

_You're stepping out of the sun for the final time, after you got burned so badly you could barely lift your head. You're happy about it. Really happy, in that shaky hands and also kinda sad way. It was a good experience, but it's time to go._

Evan let go. He fell backwards, and the world slowed down around him. The wind rushed around his cheeks and neck and hands and that feeling you get when you get to the drop of a rollercoaster settled in his stomach. Exciting. Scary. Regret. There was a twinge of regret. Maybe his mom wouldn't benefit as much from this as he thought, maybe he could still rekindle his friendship with Jared, maybe Zoe-

_At least you get to leave next to your favorite tree. That's amazing._

He hit a branch. Time sped up again. The world around him was a blur of orange and green and brown and suddenly he hit the ground and everything was black and that was okay. It was okay, because the world was still spinning without him, and the trees would keep growing without him, and no one would hear a sound from him again.

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_

_Me._

Except for the sorrowful laugh that escaped his mouth when he woke up in the hospital.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter, per the request of @dearevansboyfriend!

It's empty.

A plain white hospital room, devoid of anything or anyone. A small window in the corner, and the only color being the brown chairs in the corners. It made Evan laugh, a loud laugh that made tears come to his eyes and his stomach hurt. He was sure he sounded insane, and it had a sad tinge to it, even to his own ears. Still alone. Always alone.

When he calmed down, the reality of the situation set in. He didn't die. He was still alive, and someone had found him, and he was in the hospital for jumping out of a tree for the second time. He was going to have to face his mom, face everyone, about his failed suicide attempt, and they were going to hate him. Evan felt his hands shaking and something coiled inside of him, and suddenly there were tears and he couldn't see and the world was too much again. He tried to calm himself down, take deep breaths, but he couldn't even feel his legs and oh god they all hate him.

But suddenly, there was a tapping feeling on his shoulder, in the pattern of a heartbeat, and someone was whispering words he couldn't decipher in his ear and they're so calming. Evan let them ground him, grabbed them like they're a rope and used them to pull him out of his panic. He doesn't know how long it takes him to calm down, but eventually the world isn't as overwhelming and he can function enough to blink the tears out of his eyes. His hands continued to shake, but that was to be expected. He turned his head towards the person who helped him, planning on mumbling out a small "sorry" and leaving it at that, but instead he froze and his mouth dropped open just a little. Jared-- It was Jared.

He looked like a mess, a mix of furiousness and helplessness that looked foreign on Jared's usually grinning features. His glasses were crooked and there were a few tears on his face and he was shaking just slightly but Evan noticed because he had noticed it so many times on himself. Evan wanted to say something, anything, but he couldn't bring himself to. His throat hurt.

Jared filled the silence for him. "You idiot. You fucking idiot-- I thought I lost you for good! I couldn't... I thought you were dead, and I had been yelling at you only a few hours before, and it was my fault. Fuck, I was ignoring you because I was angry, not because I didn't care!" 

Evan's hands had gripped the sheets of the hospital bed, eyes wide at the other boy's outburst. Jared had his hands clenched and there were more tears on his face and Evan was confused, he didn't know how to deal with this Jared, this highly emotional one that didn't mock him. "I... Y-you hate me though... only a family friend, r-right?"

"Shit, Evan, that was a joke, I thought you knew that. I... I was so fucking scared, man, when I found you on the ground next to that tree, you were so pale and..." Jared paused, taking a deep breath and wiping away a few tears. "I couldn't hate you. You're... You're Evan, and that's endearing in a weird way."

Evan couldn't help the small laugh that escaped him, and Jared returned it with a bit of a grin. But then his serious expression was back, and silence lingered over them again. Evan shifted in the bed, once again uncomfortable. He never really liked hospitals anyways. 

He barely heard Jared's next sentence. "Just... Don't do that again, okay?"

Jared looked broken. So broken, and it made Evan sniffle a bit and maybe he could say yes if he kept that image of Jared in his mind forever. Maybe it was guilt tripping himself, but hey, whatever works, right?

"Okay."

"Don't tell anyone at school you saw me break down like that or I'll tell everyone you broke your arm jacking off again." Jared fixed his glasses and smirked, a small one, but it calmed Evan in a way he couldn't explain.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me." Jared's tone softened. "I'll see you later, okay? My mom is expecting me home in like 10 minutes."

Evan nodded and watched his Fa-- just friend walk out of the hospital door, with just a little bit of life back in him. Maybe... Maybe this time he wouldn't have to lie to make things better. Not much lying anyways. 

And then his mom was in the door. The world froze and he stared, and stared, and smiled, and whispered out "Mom", and suddenly there was a pair of arms wrapped around him, squeezing him tightly. He couldn't really breathe and that's okay. 

"Don't ever scare me like that again."

"I'm sorry, I won't."

And Evan was pretty sure he meant it. 


End file.
